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So it is now March. I have taken a breath, and am learning this whole “don’t just sit down and write when you can’t sleep and perhaps not sound so unhinged.”

The downstairs flooded last night, so the shenanigans continue. I am tired. But I continue to be motivated.

Love to my friend Kindle who has shared this journey of attempting to get our sparks back with me. Their writing is far better and thoughtful than mine and I appreciate the exchange.

That being said, I told my manager at work that I would be entering 2025 with Big MCU Tony Stark Energy. I have been maintaining this. What does this mean? I’m not sure. Confidence to cover up my barely held together anxiety? Snarky comments? Equal levels of self-loathing?

Art is important. This is already all over the place. But anyway, art is important. It all means so much to me. There was a time I wanted to act, but then settled into not being in front of the camera because I have a real hate/hate relationship with myself I am also terrible. After taking Theater 101 my freshman year of highschool and apparently scaring the hell out of my classmates by doing a monologue from Fight Club, I decided maybe no. So I liked music better. I also discovered that learning table top roleplaying games help me scratch the itch to play and craft a story with others. Because honestly, I think all I wanted to do was play.

I have been lucky enough to see two major long-term cinema journeys during my life. Lord of the Rings in middle school and early high school, then the Infinity Saga from Marvel. To a lot of people, these are just pop culture fluff. Untrue. The heroes journey can be found anywhere, for anyone. Captain Ahab is just as important to people as Captain America.

I have been reading comics since I could read. I have my favorites – Hellboy, The Maxx, Y the Last Man, Kingdom Come, Doctor Strange, The Defenders. I read a lot of independent full stories or things from Dark Horse and Image. (I read “regular” books a lot too. So calm down.)

We can find ourselves anywhere and I think that seeing that reflection helps us cope.

I met my husband when I met up with some friends to see Captain Marvel. We were there to attend a comic art show and he was mutual friends with one of my good friends, but we had never crossed paths as he was away at school. At the end of 2024, things were pretty bleak here in my home. We talked about how excited we were for the next Captain America movie and decided that no matter how terrible things were going, we would make it a point to do a rewatch of the MCU. We would sit down, have a drink, snuggle the dog, and just try and push through.

This has ended up being a surprising self-reflective action. We talked during and after each film the same way one would talk through something selected by The Criterion Collection. (Admittedly, my coworker and I have started a semi-weekly movie night we have called Flix Not Cinema, where we watch whatever the fuck we want and will have enthusiastic discussions about movies like “Hell Comes to Frogtown” with the same gravitas.)

This is also the time when he told me his whole origin story. I had never heard it before. My husband is a clinician. He has worked really hard to become a doctor and our life is not glamorous. He only graduated residency a few years ago.

He originally wanted to be a surgeon. He told me he was good – very good. He enjoyed it and he was gearing up to specialize. Then he fell and broke his back. He was unable to get proper treatment – ironically because he was in med school and there was no time, money, or availability – and put it off. Barely making it through in a metal brace. Because of this, he could no longer stand for surgery.

When we were talking about the Marvel films he mentioned that he had skipped Doctor Strange and he thinks that the origin story may be why. We talked and decided to skip ahead to watch it. I ended up watching him react more than the movie. (I share this with his permission.)

As the time slowed down to show Strange’s hands smashed in the dashboard, I heard Roy take a sharp breath in. We stopped it and he took a moment and then said he could continue. He was sucked in, and I didn’t find out until the next day that he had processed his own journey. He sat down at breakfast and told me the whole story of his injury – one I hadn’t heard before. He is also a martial artist, which was something that was also largely lost to him. He said some other personal things that are not mine to tell, but the gist is he was able to prepare to face some buried stuff because of a “superhero movie.”

I had a similar experience a few weeks later with Iron Man 3. Seeing reflections of my own panic attacks on screen, the whole sub plot of “more than a man in a can,” thinking about my own experiences where I narrowly escaped losing my life… it pushed a button for me, too.

I have been in therapy for 5-6 years now. I’m not ashamed of it. If I hadn’t found my therapist, I don’t know where I would be after the multiple attacks and situations I went through. I appreciate her because we can talk about everything.

I broached the subject of the MCU rewatch, Roy’s reaction to Doctor Strange and my own to Iron Man 3. She responded with a sound of surprise.

“Youre rewatching? Me and my partner are, too!”

“Really? Fuckin serious?”

It turns out that she and her partner had near identical conversations as Roy and I had about rewatching the MCU, including whether to watch them in release order or chronological. We then used these films and characters to discuss reflections of behavior.

Yes, my incredibly accomplished and smart therapist with more letters behind her name than anyone I know used superheros to work through grief with me. We plan to continue this as we both rewatch, including The Blip later to talk about my grief.

I find myself enjoying conversations about society reflected in art and pop culture more and more. This year, I think, will be more about this sort of things for me. I have some books lined up on it.

I’m thinking of talking to the local library about hosting a monthly film night.

Maybe Flix Not Cinema will bloom.

My Goodreads – the “Now Reading” is mostly accurate as my ADHD brain often wanders from book to book.
My 2024 reading was… a mood.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/20658107-a-dormaus?shelf=2024

I was extremely stressed out, and my husband sat down to watch a Marx Brothers movie with me for the first time while I was trying to relax. My dad would put them on for me when I was a sick kid and apparently I didn’t say much until I started spouting Marx Bros quotes at a couple years old.

He says, “This. This is your whole personality. I understand now.”

I’d say it’s about 60/40 Marx Brothers and The Muppet Show. Possibly split further between that and Tom Waits music.

The last two weeks have been bedlam. A debacle. Maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but certainly in the macrocosm it has been as far as the changes in the country I live in and the area.

We had an abrupt employment change (not me) and were not sure if we would keep the roof over our heads. We scrambled and we are. However, this means I’ll be once again haunting the house as Roy is off doing a rotation across the country.

But you know what. I’ll figure it out.

We were talking about digging our heels in and not moving if we can avoid it. The only way I would move is to be just a little closer to a major city or if we absolutely have to. I’m exhausted. Relocating every few years since 2008 has been exhausting.

I’ve always had a weird love/hate with being in a city. I grew up in south western Pennsylvania, and Pittsburgh seemed less city-like as it was nestled into mountains and you could stumble into parks and green spaces so my time living there didn’t feel so city, even though most of my friends lived in the same neighborhood and I just walked to their places or I took the bus down town for work or the train (I loved riding the T).

I want what a city offers without the city. Music. Art. International food is a bonus. This has been the longest stretch of time I wasn’t in or near enough to several cities to scratch my culture itch.

Atlanta… Atlanta was a beast. My five years there was terrible and wonderful and I miss it but I think I would punch someone if I had to live metro again, though East Atlanta was okay. But sometimes I think about going back. It had everything that made me happy. Except the museums but I guess if you grow up near the Carnegie, that just kind of happens. The bar is high.

Some highlights as I look back on that time:

Finding the SCA and becoming determined I was going to learn to fence. I did okay, but my leg was even more messed up than it is now and I struggled. It was very soon after my violence-related trauma and it turns out that when someone was actually coming at me with a sword, I didn’t handle it well.

Living in East Atlanta. Walking to concerts all the time and wandering home in the middle of the night. Ill advised. My roommate, Patrick taking me on his motorcycle to the Midway Pub for vegan corndogs. (I miss Patrick. Living with Patrick was a blast and I sometimes think I should not have moved out and should have stayed with him, as things went a bit downhill after. Though there was still some good. Patrick remember when I came back and stayed when I was working on that puppet holiday short and you were like “please come back” well I should have, even though I would have moved in with Roy eventually. Patrick, you and Chrisco were the best – but also my heart will always remember David, Sharon and Ashley too)

Living in a house full of musicians when I first moved there.

All the puppetry, music and film I participated in. I was basically a roadie for almost six years and I never learned to roll up cable properly.

I never learned that I needed to put my boots on BEFORE my corset when dressing for performances.

I miss DragonCon.

I miss all the movies. I loved seeing SHIELD vehicles parked around. Or the time I was in traffic and Captain America was stopped beside me on a vintage WWII motorcycle and full gear. Was it a stunt man? Was it a cosplayer? Who knows. But we saluted at each other.

The time I took myself to see Cirque du Soleil three times.

Sweet Hut. Oh god, Sweet Hut. Please give unto me tofu sandwiches and savory bread and caterpillar pastries.

And while we are at it LA FONDA. Both locations.

Getting my ears pierced and crying because it hurt so much (this was when I was just discovering that the pain I feel is NOT the normal of level of pain everyone feels and thus the journey on figuring out my autoimmune disorder. The piercing artist was very kind.) Wandering down the street after to Flying Biscuit to eat garlic green beans and mac n cheese.

The Ghastly Dreadfuls at the Center for Puppetry Arts.

The haunted shed in the back of Patrick’s house. Fuck that shed. I hated it.

Conversely, The tree swing in Patrick’s yard. This, I was fond of and was on it constantly.

When we would lay out in the yard and night and watch the owls. We may or may not have been blissfully stoned.

The time our other roommate came home from working as a PA and said “Hey, the location scout for some show is going to come look at our place for exteriors. Is that okay?” We said “Yeah, sure.” We didn’t get chosen, but next summer we found out it was for Stranger Things.

Most of my friends being in Marvel, Walking Dead, or Stranger Things activities, then making indie movies on weekends.

My time in the Weather Channel mail room. God I loved that gig. I covered reception for an hour every day.

Playing gigs in Heaven and Hell.

When they shut down the street in front of my print shop job for a film. There was going to be explosions. We had to get there early so they could let us through. I got there at 5am, but the owner wasn’t there yet so I sat on the sidewalk and the special effects team chatted with me about what would happen and answered all my questions. They were very nice.

Hating the FUCKING PERIMETER. WHY. WHO DESIGNED THAT.

Bar trivia nights with Teddy Bash. We scored a perfect game once because I was able to answer “What is the requirement for masseuses in feudal Japan?”
“They are blind. Because of Zatoichi.”
“What’s Zaotichi?”
“The Blind Fucking Swordsman, what you we raised in a goddamn barn?”

Walking downstairs once into a clothing optional party on the main floor of one of the places I rented a room. A dude telling me that “Dating is his hobby, would I like to be on the list?” and I was just trying to get a fucking apple out of the cupboard lord save me from the hippies. (Sparkle Pony Express was good though, you guys were good hippies ha)

The time I got the flu and was so sick I passed out in the hallway and Chrisco put me in bed.

When we got fireworks and set them off in the cul-de-sac and pretended to be wizards, and everyone wanted to play with puppets.

When I saw the Electric Six and started chatting with the guitar player after when we were waiting for drinks at the bar. I asked, “How do you get over your stage fright? I’ve been in ensemble groups, but now I’m in a small band and I’m kind of scared.” He told me: “Just push yourself a little bit more to be weird every time and eventually, you are outside your own box.”

Going to see Teddy Bash play in the symphony.

Puddles Pity Party.

Feeling so alive and creative, even when I was in a very bad situation.

Before I started to drift a bit, lose my spark for my own art (though I do well continuing to do freelance for others), I was more easy with myself. I would do whatever was in my head, whether I shared it or not, and had fun with it. I think sometimes about the stereotypes of the dramatic, emotion filled artist. It is really hard for me to do art when I’m not in a good place. I do better when I’m full of moxie and whimsy and the ideas flow.

When I’m hurting or grieving or sad, it’s like a dam goes up. I don’t know if it is a catharsis for me then. Music usually is – I listen or play, but I don’t share. My visual art and projects tend to just… stop. I’ve been struggling with this for a bit.

I attended a medium university. My major was graphic design but the art program for design was newish and on top of our design studio and survey we had to get our hands into just about everything – including sociology, economics, and philosophy.

I had painting survey and studio. I had my friends in university, but as far as the art department and classes I kept to myself a bit. By my third year, I had gotten myself in a bad situation that I tried to not bring attention to – it affected me in every way and would take two and half years before I would get out of it.

I still did my best. I started to struggle with sharing in my painting studio, always looking at what others did and trying to force those feelings out of me instead of clamming up.

I had a project due, an oil, and I only had three primary colors and some white. I didn’t have the funds for any more. I would walk the mile to campus in the middle of the night and sign myself into the attic studio at the old art building and try and think.

A friend had given me a Spider-man pez dispenser. The candy was gross, but I started carrying it around in my pocket. It was a weird grounding object for me. I would fidget with it, offer other people the candy, just generally hold onto it like it was something that kept me tethered.

So I sat in the studio, staring at my canvas. If I remember correctly, I had Led Zeppelin blasting in my headphones. I took the Pez dispenser out and set it next to my easel, just to dig for something in my pocket. I had an idea. One that made me laugh, and I needed a laugh at that moment.

And thus was born my only oil painting (I found over time I preferred the chaos of watercolors) to date. I can’t remember what my professor said about it – I don’t think he ever really liked what I did. I liked him a lot, but he was kind of edgy and one of those people that went to Burning Man before Burning Man was glamping for techbros and heiresses. But I think he appreciated that I had some sort of wonderland going on inside my head even if I didn’t say much.

This may be one of my favorite things I have ever done, because it means a lot to me. The skill is questionable, I had no idea what I was doing with oil, my supplies were limited, but it’s a pure example of something that passes through my head. The black is latex house paint that I bartered a granola bar for when someone else was in there with the can open.

What if the Pez dispenser’s Spidey sense went off when someone reached for it?

I actually had a triptych study of Mike Mignola’s Hellboy for composition class that was tempera on some weird slick paper that I can’t remember but they were either stolen or lost after the student art show.

I still need to get some sort of gilded frame for this thing. It still makes me happy.

Things sure are a hot fucking mess right now.

Everything feels so big – but I try to calm my mind and focus on what I can control

To ground myself, I am looking at these books:

Books are my vice. I could build a fort out of them. Want to support an independent bookstore but not somewhere you can get to them? Try http://www.bookshop.org – they now have ebooks, too.

Visit your local library! Or buy used! I use Thriftbooks quite a bit. When I am truly finished with a book I try to pass it on, donate it to a direct cause, use the No Buy Group in my town, or Thriftbooks has a buy back program now if you want to put it back in circulation.

Recycle your clothes, shoes, backpacks, bags, etc with Trashie. Trashie now recycles technology, too!
https://www.trashie.io/

Terracycle recycles and repurposes things that generally you cannot recycle locally. They also now have a useful home goods shop with things like storage containers and plant pots that are made from the recycled materials that people send it. AND if the item gets broken or the life of the item is over for you, you can send it back to be recycled again
https://www.terracycle.com/en-US/

Crown Poly has products made from plant based materials, are compostable, or made from reclaimed ocean plastic.
https://www.crownpoly.com/project/hipposak/

There are options for picnic ware made from cornstarch or are biodegradable.

I read news from Alaina Woods, a climate scientist here:

https://goodclimatenews.substack.com

I’m looking forward to replacing what little grass is around my house and the sparse moss with this fine fescue and clover pollinator low-mow blend. The roots will help the soil as well. This is our test patch from last summer:

From Earthwise seed – https://earthwiseseed.com/

There’s thankfully still a lot of want to be harmonious with the environment in the state where I live – so we’re looking at grants from the Soil and Water administration, the Arbor foundation, and the community garden to try and clean up and restore. Hopefully starting the orchard as well. We only have 5 acres, and most of it is woods, backed up against 80 acres of open forest. But we will love it the best we can.

Cover art for Charity EP – June 2023
Digital – texture, color, building and graphics

This is definitely one of my favorite projects and I got there in a roundabout way.

In December of 2022, the show The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs, that is part of AMC+ and streams on the Shudder network had a charity auction.

My husband, unbeknownst to me, had somehow managed to snag me the item that I thought was the best idea: a custom song by the music supervisor at the time of the show, John Brennan.

Subsequently, the producer and director of the show got in touch with me through email, and put me in touch with John Brennan.

We had some crossed wires with emails and finally John set up something and I forget how it came about but he ended up just giving me a call.

We talked for a long time about the songs, convention experiences, and film and had so much fun when I tossed out that the topic should be “cheese” he came up with the idea of expanding it from one song to a 5-song EP.

I didn’t have the ability to travel to John to play any instruments or a setup at home to record myself, so he offered for me to design the cover.

John is prolific as fuck and he and Liz put together five songs in styles of bands I like and thus Cheese for Charity was born.

We ended up getting the okay to sell the expanded collaboration as a charity during a time frame for St. Jude’s Hospital. I produced one song, he made four more, and then we raised more money for charity!

John is fantastic, tells awesome stories, and has the best New York accent. He’s always kind to me and fun to talk to when we chat or text. He had a bit of a rough time in the fall of 2024 with an apartment fire and some project changes. I definitely look forward to supporting him in the future!

Some day we’ll do that puppet music video together.

This was so much fun and I got a portfolio piece for it.

Thanks Austin and John!

John Brennan’s Stuff

Music

https://johnbrennan.bandcamp.com

Podcast:

https://www.patreon.com/c/yukiandjohnspatreonbuffet/posts

IMDB Bio:

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2674743/?ref_=fn_all_nme_1