So it is now March. I have taken a breath, and am learning this whole “don’t just sit down and write when you can’t sleep and perhaps not sound so unhinged.”
The downstairs flooded last night, so the shenanigans continue. I am tired. But I continue to be motivated.
Love to my friend Kindle who has shared this journey of attempting to get our sparks back with me. Their writing is far better and thoughtful than mine and I appreciate the exchange.
That being said, I told my manager at work that I would be entering 2025 with Big MCU Tony Stark Energy. I have been maintaining this. What does this mean? I’m not sure. Confidence to cover up my barely held together anxiety? Snarky comments? Equal levels of self-loathing?
Art is important. This is already all over the place. But anyway, art is important. It all means so much to me. There was a time I wanted to act, but then settled into not being in front of the camera because I have a real hate/hate relationship with myself I am also terrible. After taking Theater 101 my freshman year of highschool and apparently scaring the hell out of my classmates by doing a monologue from Fight Club, I decided maybe no. So I liked music better. I also discovered that learning table top roleplaying games help me scratch the itch to play and craft a story with others. Because honestly, I think all I wanted to do was play.
I have been lucky enough to see two major long-term cinema journeys during my life. Lord of the Rings in middle school and early high school, then the Infinity Saga from Marvel. To a lot of people, these are just pop culture fluff. Untrue. The heroes journey can be found anywhere, for anyone. Captain Ahab is just as important to people as Captain America.
I have been reading comics since I could read. I have my favorites – Hellboy, The Maxx, Y the Last Man, Kingdom Come, Doctor Strange, The Defenders. I read a lot of independent full stories or things from Dark Horse and Image. (I read “regular” books a lot too. So calm down.)
We can find ourselves anywhere and I think that seeing that reflection helps us cope.
I met my husband when I met up with some friends to see Captain Marvel. We were there to attend a comic art show and he was mutual friends with one of my good friends, but we had never crossed paths as he was away at school. At the end of 2024, things were pretty bleak here in my home. We talked about how excited we were for the next Captain America movie and decided that no matter how terrible things were going, we would make it a point to do a rewatch of the MCU. We would sit down, have a drink, snuggle the dog, and just try and push through.
This has ended up being a surprising self-reflective action. We talked during and after each film the same way one would talk through something selected by The Criterion Collection. (Admittedly, my coworker and I have started a semi-weekly movie night we have called Flix Not Cinema, where we watch whatever the fuck we want and will have enthusiastic discussions about movies like “Hell Comes to Frogtown” with the same gravitas.)
This is also the time when he told me his whole origin story. I had never heard it before. My husband is a clinician. He has worked really hard to become a doctor and our life is not glamorous. He only graduated residency a few years ago.
He originally wanted to be a surgeon. He told me he was good – very good. He enjoyed it and he was gearing up to specialize. Then he fell and broke his back. He was unable to get proper treatment – ironically because he was in med school and there was no time, money, or availability – and put it off. Barely making it through in a metal brace. Because of this, he could no longer stand for surgery.
When we were talking about the Marvel films he mentioned that he had skipped Doctor Strange and he thinks that the origin story may be why. We talked and decided to skip ahead to watch it. I ended up watching him react more than the movie. (I share this with his permission.)
As the time slowed down to show Strange’s hands smashed in the dashboard, I heard Roy take a sharp breath in. We stopped it and he took a moment and then said he could continue. He was sucked in, and I didn’t find out until the next day that he had processed his own journey. He sat down at breakfast and told me the whole story of his injury – one I hadn’t heard before. He is also a martial artist, which was something that was also largely lost to him. He said some other personal things that are not mine to tell, but the gist is he was able to prepare to face some buried stuff because of a “superhero movie.”
I had a similar experience a few weeks later with Iron Man 3. Seeing reflections of my own panic attacks on screen, the whole sub plot of “more than a man in a can,” thinking about my own experiences where I narrowly escaped losing my life… it pushed a button for me, too.
I have been in therapy for 5-6 years now. I’m not ashamed of it. If I hadn’t found my therapist, I don’t know where I would be after the multiple attacks and situations I went through. I appreciate her because we can talk about everything.
I broached the subject of the MCU rewatch, Roy’s reaction to Doctor Strange and my own to Iron Man 3. She responded with a sound of surprise.
“Youre rewatching? Me and my partner are, too!”
“Really? Fuckin serious?”
It turns out that she and her partner had near identical conversations as Roy and I had about rewatching the MCU, including whether to watch them in release order or chronological. We then used these films and characters to discuss reflections of behavior.
Yes, my incredibly accomplished and smart therapist with more letters behind her name than anyone I know used superheros to work through grief with me. We plan to continue this as we both rewatch, including The Blip later to talk about my grief.
I find myself enjoying conversations about society reflected in art and pop culture more and more. This year, I think, will be more about this sort of things for me. I have some books lined up on it.
I’m thinking of talking to the local library about hosting a monthly film night.
Maybe Flix Not Cinema will bloom.
My Goodreads – the “Now Reading” is mostly accurate as my ADHD brain often wanders from book to book.
My 2024 reading was… a mood.
https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/20658107-a-dormaus?shelf=2024
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