Well. The last couple weeks have certainly been an adventure.
Good news: we will not lose or home or have to move. Employment has been secured.
Bad news: most things. But we persist! As do the horrors.
My mood as been up and down lately. I feel as though I am a bit at my stress limits. Physical therapy has started up again and I immediately injured my rotator cuff. On my dominant hand. So no bass guitar, piano, lifting, building, puppeteering, drawing for a long time…
The country I live in is getting quite fashy.
My birthday was last week, and it started off with difficulty. The thing about trauma and grief of certain flavors is that it rears its head when it is not welcome. I had been excited for my choice of activities: I took the day off work and Roy and I were going to the aquarium in the nearest city and then a bookstore. In general, all I ever want is to go to a bookstore on my birthday.
I started off feeling good, then it hit me like an avalanche. My grief and survivor’s guilt. You would think after almost 12 years this would not be the case anymore. But there I was, thinking about how Ry would never have another birthday and how I blamed myself for it. I’m sure that my freelance contract as a graphics and media person for a domestic violence survivor’s center started out as a way for me to do good. It started out as a way for me to say “hey, I survived, too.” Now I feel some days when I go to do my assignment, with every memorial or statistic I write up or share, I catch my breath. One statistic… I think “I am one of those numbers.” Another statistic… “I COULD have been one of those numbers.”
But this is about continuing on and living deliciously.
So Ry… I thought of him. I feel incredible guilt as I was not home the one night that the perpetrator of the crime decided to finally act. I was spared. After so long, is it still self indulgent? I try so hard to be celebratory about still being here. Being thankful. Being alive. But sometimes… it hits hard.
So the day started off painfully. Roy handled it well and managed to talk me into the car. We put on music and I started to feel better. The aquarium was delightful. Apparently I have a superpower for spotting hidden octopus (which is one of my favorite animals.) I stood and watched for so long, I started to feel better. Think about the wonder of the world. All the strange things in the universe. Several people went by and said “Oh! I wouldn’t have even seen it there if you weren’t standing there and looking at it.”
Many of the animals at the aquarium were not releasable into the wild. They were injured or had special care needs. But they were able to be stewarded and live their best lives while being loved. There was a lot about conservation and different programs.
I felt a lot better after.
It made me remember how wild and wonderful the world is – and the universe. I still search for my spark, but it gets ever closer.
We also attended a candlelight string quartet of the Music of Hanz Zimmer. It was delightful. (They encouraged photos during the last song, so I took one as the set up was beautiful.)
I missed music so much.
I have a podcast interview coming up in the next month that I need to prepare for. This one is going to be a little more difficult than usual. It will be about accessibility in the high strangeness/paranormal space. It means getting a little more personal but I think it will be helpful to some people. I hope.
Something most people don’t know – I am into the paranormal/supernatural/weird science/high strangeness. The world is beautiful and wonderful and I wish to celebrate it.
There’s a lot to prepare for when the weather changes. The Arbor Foundation is going to be sending us 10 trees and 2 lilac bushes for conservation planting our lot. I’ve been reading about the size and space needs and am planning for that.
Additionally, I am hoping to get FBU and her fire performance troop up here to take some photos and get some plates for editing later. I’m trying to beef up my portfolio again and it’s been so long since I directed a photo shoot or did edits. I’m hoping to get some material for mock book covers from it.
Additionally, with my husband being between jobs at the moment – he doesn’t start til next month – I am fairly certain we have spent more time together in the last two months than the last three years. It’s been weird, but nice. He has finally caught me dancing with my headphones because I tend to forget he’s home.
I am of a mind that in most relationship (business, platonic, romantic, familial) between two people there is usually a straight man and a goblin. Apparently, he has informed me, he has strengthened the opinion that I am the goblin in our relationship. But he’s still fine with that.
Upcoming things to talk about:
The Stormlight Archive, my favorite book series
The original run of Secret Wars, wherein Dr Doom throws a tantrum because he falls down and Captain America offers to help him up
A post about Ry because he deserves to be talked about
More conservation stuff
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